Posted in failed lap band, failed weight loss surgery, lap band removal, postpartum, postpartum weight loss, pregnancy, pregnancy weight management, weight loss, weight loss surgery, weight loss surgery regain, weight loss surgery revision

The Running Challenge

I have thought about running, about becoming a runner probably for the last decade. I’ll be 32 at the end of this week.

I started C25k a few times in my 20s, never feeling encouraged enough to continue. Allowing my sedentary lifestyle to take over as the self-loathing cycle continued. The gasoline of failing yet another goal I had set for myself poured over the already lit fire from other past failures and I would just continue to burn.

I know that sounds dramatic. But that was exactly my thought process. That was what kept me hating myself and kept me frozen (or melted, rather) in that cycle.

When I was first introduced to podcasts in 2017, my life improved tremendously right off the bat. Hearing from other people who had lived a very similar life to me and figured out how to feel their own self worth, was so empowering I knew I could do it for myself, too.

And so I did.

In 2018 I discovered the Not Your Average Runner podcast. Jill Angie is an amazing running coach and example of what is possible with the right mindset.

I joined her most recent training program the Not Your Average 5K. It does not officially launch for another month but in the introduction to getting started she wanted us to actually start running (if we were not yet).

Gulp.

So many fears of what it means to run in January. On a treadmill. At the gym. In public. And like actually running. Like, in a stop talking about it, stop thinking about it, shut up and run — you know, physically take action — kind of way.

Double Gulp.

I could list out all of the fears I had but I know I’m not alone in this party. My size, currently in the 260s, was absolutely a driving force. A belief system that made me think I was not even capable of doing such a thing.

Meanwhile, I had started walking again since delivering my daughter on August 1st. I had walked at 4.0 mph at one point for about a minute so physical capability was not out of the question. But why did I continue to believe the nonsense I told myself?

So, then it happened, Jill told me to do it. Increase the speed by 1.0 mph and do it for 15 seconds. And I hemmed and hawed, and then started thinking about what it meant to do those 2 simple things.

Ok, I can try that.

And guess what happened? I got on the treadmill the next day. I was nervous. I had the chatter in my head telling me not to. And I just took a deep breath and cranked up the speed.

And I ran five separate intervals at 5.0 mph 30 seconds at a time. Thus creating my fastest mile ever produced by my own 2 legs. 16 minutes and 12 seconds.

And I thought about all the limiting beliefs I had that interfered with me getting here. And all of the chatter in my head about how to keep myself safe (and sedentary).

I. Felt. Amazing.

And now my journey continues as I become a true runner — beyond just a figment of my imagination. And the gasoline of this major win, poured onto the little flame of self-love that I had been working on developing over the past 2 years. The previous flame of self-loathing had been extinguished. And my own self-satisfaction and self-respect skyrocketed.

Posted in failed lap band, failed weight loss surgery, lap band removal, postpartum, postpartum weight loss, pregnancy, pregnancy weight management, weight loss, weight loss surgery, weight loss surgery regain, weight loss surgery revision

Comfort vs. Discomfort

In my search for comfort, I often find myself stumbling into more discomfort than would have just been there before.

2 days ago, I allowed myself to feel the urges and sit through the discomfort of not eating anything because I was not hungry. I had my lunch around noon and at 5:30 (when we were preparing dinner for my son) I was still not hungry. I even got up and filled the pot with water, turned on the stove to get the noodles going — for myself. And then I realized what was happening, turned off the stove and walked away.

Yesterday, I was not as strong. Urges are nagging. Not answering them over and over again takes work. It is uncomfortable. I ate the noodles. Let me tell you that even though I was seeking out comfort in something off plan, that I was not even physically hungry for, I found myself in more discomfort.

There is no more comfort in overeating. There is no more comfort in having foods that are not on my protocol. This is a lesson I keep revisiting. And I will keep working on reminding myself of that time and time again as I find my way to a life where food is only fuel; where I find pleasure in the world around me and not on my plate.

I know this life is possible because I feel glimmers of it every now and again. My future self has this life and I am working every day on getting closer and closer to her. She sees my effort. She loves me and helps to pick me up when I fall. I look to her when I make mistakes as a my present self.

So, today I have another chance, another opportunity to stay on my plan. To go on without responding to urges. To allow them to be all around me. And to feel the pride that brings, knowing I am one step closer to becoming my future self. I feel the feeling, find the unease, and take comfort in the discomfort.