Dear Ilana Version 1.0,
I am letting go of your habits and your beliefs. They no longer serve me. They interfere with who I am becoming. I want you to know that I love every single thing about you. But that in that love, I want more for myself. It’s not you, it’s me. It is time we break up. You made some really hard decisions and pushed growth. You met your husband, and you carried and delivered your first born son. You had weight loss surgery and then had it undone. You amaze me.
And yet, there are things that need to be left behind — but never forgotten. I am not someone who eats to avoid life any longer. I eat in a way that provides me fuel and sustenance and then I move on with my day and figure out what I will create and contribute.
I love helping other women like you that were lost. It is a gift to be able to teach tools that provide such an intense and quick solution to feeling better. It is neutral that you made mistakes. I know I will make mistakes too. I choose to love you. I need to move on with you. I will wear clothing you have only dreamed of and I will participate in races and other outdoorsy adventures you would have previously scoffed and rolled your eyes at.
It is ok that I am choosing a life you never humored. I know with the Weight Loss Surgery that you had briefly yearned for clothing that were small and to be active and athletic. The lap band was not the way to get you tackle your brain. You knew it almost immediately. And so finally, here we are — ready to take on the next chapter.
It is time for me to let you go. I am in better shape than you would have ever imagined and it is all because of you. You did this. You took all of the steps to get me to this place. You did this work.
Thank you. I love you. I will honor your wishes, and the pain you felt all along the way. But I will not abuse food or my body ever again. I will not tolerate allowing food back in for any other reason beyond solving hunger.
I love to workout out, I love to run and practice yoga and I will move in an intentional way every single day for the rest of my life. I will run races — 5ks, 10ks, half marathons and maybe even a full marathon one day.
I will go horseback riding, and do a zip line ropes course. I will learn how to roller skate and ice skate. I will do all of the things I used to be terrified of. I am excited to be someone who says yes first and then asks questions about how. I will not say no right away to anything. I will be able to fit comfortably on an airplane seat and I will be able to ride any roller coaster and those things will always be worth the discomfort and living a life without food to numb.
Thank you for trying your best. I really believe you did. I know how hard it was dealing with the girls in high school and middle school. I know how badly you wanted to be captain of the basketball team. In another life, we will become the captain. In another life, we will train in the off season and eat in a way that respects ourselves.
In another life we will not have 2 dinners with friends most nights of the week.
In another life we figure out how to have fun with other people when food is not the focus.
And that other life starts now.
I am doing this for my children. I want to learn how to run with Michael. I want to teach Paige how to respect her body. I want to do these things that will create a lasting and meaningful foundation for my children’s long term success with their weight management and regular activity.
We are becoming that family who spends our weekends once a month running a race together. And we all feel amazing about it. And we show up as our best selves.
This is why I need to leave you behind so I can grow into who I was always meant to be.
Thank you for planting this seed. For getting this work going. Without you none of this would have been possible.
I love you dearly. I love me dearly. I wish you had the opportunity to love yourself the way I do now.
Please take this lesson with you and never forget.
All my love,
Ilana Version 2.0